Well, I haven't read the book you are talking about, so I don't know anything about the specific details, but I can see some things just from reading it. Also, it would be nice to know what the prompt was.
- First and foremost: Make it way longer. I'm assuming you were given 30-45 minutes on this. You should try to pump out about three pages about whatever this is. In AP Lit, we're expected to hand-write three pages in 40 minutes, and hand-writing is slower than typing generally. If you were only given 20 minutes or so, you would be doing okay on length, but you should try for longer anyway. In particular, make the body paragraphs have way more information and evidence. That will get you a higher score for sure. Just because your teacher says it needs to be a page doesn't mean you can't go the extra mile and get a better score than everyone else.
- I saw about three typos from briefly looking over it. Proofread if you have time. If you have time, read it aloud. Reading aloud is great because it forces you to really look at every word. You'll hardly miss anything if you read aloud. Spell check misses a lot of things.
- Not sure if this is a typo or not, but at the end of the third paragraph, you need to change "we're" to "were." With contractions, remember to only use them when you are combining two words together. Does it make sense to say "We are the first two wishes"?
- Don't say "and so."
- Don't say "you" or "I" in a literary analysis essay. However, if you are writing a persuasive essay, you can use personal anecdotes and say "I."
- Use times new roman and 12pt. font if you weren't already. Also, I'd be willing to bet your teacher wants it double spaced too, but you might ask.
- All of the first sentences of the paragraphs don't seem to fit the style and don't really say anything new. (With the exception of maybe the last paragraph) There's no need to insert your own opinion by saying you think the story is great, or that suspense makes people sit up in their chairs, etc... A literary analysis is all about the book. If you are doing anything besides talking about how the story functions and how the author uses literary devices, you are wasting your time and getting off topic. Getting off topic will lower your score.
- I think your thesis is the last sentence in the first paragraph, but it's hard to tell. Remember, don't cut your thesis short. It should only be one sentence in an essay for English, (For a history essay, it may be a few sentences.) but that one sentence needs to be fairly long and descriptive. It needs to summarize your whole essay. The thesis shouldn't state specific evidence, but it should list every point. The thesis is the very core of the essay, so if it doesn't sound just right, you are in trouble.
- Your first paragraph shouldn't go into specific evidence or quotes. It just introduces the story, your main ideas, and your thesis. It's okay if your opening paragraph is a little vague.
- The last sentence of the essay shouldn't talk about your main points. It should serve to give a final thought on the purpose of the essay without getting too specific.
- You state what this scary story may make a person do, and this is simply irrelevant.
- Don't use exclamation points in a literary analysis. It's unprofessional.
- Use bigger words. "dark" and "creepy" don't work. Try to use a deeper vocabulary.
- You are too vague. Take specific quotes, and talk about how they contribute to the work.
- Don't repeat yourself too much. You can't say one adjective four or five times in an essay. Two or three times should be the limit.
- This is very important: If you are analyzing a work, you need to talk about literary devices. You need to talk about some similes, metaphors, effective word choice (this is known as diction), tone, mood, alliteration, assonance, etc... (there are many literary devices) I don't see any of this in the essay, though these devices undoubtedly exist in the story. The closest you get to this is talking about the setting. Look up these literary devices if you don't know what they mean. I don't think having an entire paragraph to talk about a feeling of terror is appropriate.
- ^Every paragraph's topic needs to be rethought, but what I would specifically recommend is changing one of them to be about the author's tone. Talk about specific phrases in the story that convey the eerie tone. Make the paragraph start something like this: "Jacobs' eerie tone enhances the dread found in the work through phrases such as "[insert eerie phrase here]" and "[insert other eerie phrase here]."
I would highly recommend reading good analytical essays by skilled writers. They can be found in many places on the internet and in books. Reading them will quickly make you a much better writer. Keep up the good work!
