Equalitee
Platinum
- Joined
- May 21, 2014
- Messages
- 1,328
- Reaction score
- 1,386
Hello lovelies! <3
Within the last two weeks, I have not really been feeling myself. I feel as though everything is a mess, and I am confused on what to do next. Much like I have in the past, I find writing about it and expressing my feelings to be extremely beneficial, so here it goes I guess.
For those of you that do not know already, I re-joined the Staff Team on January 21. I was so delighted to be back and I had many goals in mind that I wanted to accomplish. A few of them were to create an event, to achieve 1 year as a Member of Staff, to reach 1000 bans, and to become more involved within the Staff Team in the form of the Mod Buddy Program.
What is it about this time as a Member of Staff that is so different than my previous times, you ask? Well, you see, my first time as a Member of Staff was the best of the best, as it should be. It was my first time becoming part of something so influential within the community and it was a way for me to give back to MCGamer. Within a couple of months, however, my journey ended during the month of September.
About 6 months later, I re-joined the Staff Team. The events from September up until this point had really brought a lot of negativity into my life, and I feel as though returning to the Staff Team was the wrong decision. Although I did prove to the Administration that I was worthy of being re-accepted into the Staff Team, I felt like I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was not one to accept full responsibility for my actions, and I felt like I had to return to prove to them that they were wrong for what they did to me. My message never really got through to them. During this time, I felt alone and I used a lot of my negativity to throw pain at those who wronged me in hopes to gain attention. Then I resigned 6 months later as I felt like I was wasting my time and college was going to be my new distraction.
During my first week of college, I thought to myself, "is nursing really what I want to do?" You see, I have been struggling with the unknown a lot. I have always had this deep feeling inside that I am supposed to do something extremely influential in the world or something that is going to create endless amounts of happiness for myself, but I do not quite know what it is or when it is going to happen. Some days I felt like it was the YouTube channel I always wanted to create, the nurse I was going to become, the dancer or flight attendant that I always wanted to be, or the organization that I wanted to start for the less fortunate so that they could follow their dreams, as I was not fortunate enough to do so myself when I was growing up. Whether it is any of these, like I said, I do not know where to begin.
The following couple of weeks, I went through my studies, got some pretty constructive criticism, and it really boosted my self-confidence in wanting to become a nurse.
For the following 3 months, I continued to go through my studies.
Since college started, I have also been struggling with the idea to transition. I have always told myself that I feel like a woman trapped inside a man's body. There are days where if there was a decent amount of wind, the wind would blow through my hair and it would send chills down my spine. There are days where even though I did not have long hair, depending on the way I would walk, it felt like I did and I would imagine myself pushing my hands through it. There are days when these pair of Toms that I wear would sound like I am wearing heals and I would strut through the school with so much confidence, only to realize I was not actually wearing heals. Looking back to when I was younger, I would always pick the female character in any video games I would play. I used to play this game called YoVille, which was pretty similar to Sims, and it allowed me to interact with actual people and to dress my character in clothes that I liked. It turned out that I would always dress my character in women's clothes and I was okay with that. Which brings me to my next topic. I find myself looking at women's clothes when I walk through the mall all the time, and I tell myself, "That is cute! I would wear that." But then there are days where I feel extremely confident in the body that I am now, so you can see where the confusion comes in.
So let us go back to the end of my first semester in college. Around that time, it was Christmas! During the Christmas break, I found that I had lots of time to come on TeamSpeak and talk to the friends I had not spoken to in a while. This was extremely important to me because I feel like I had time to really focus on myself and really remove that negativity that I was feeling back when I was a Member of Staff for the second time. During the 3 weeks of Christmas break that I had, I found myself to be on a reporting rampage. By the end of the Christmas break, I had reported approximately 150 people and I was shocked. Then I started to think that I should reapply, and so I finally came to the conclusion that I was. There was a catch, however. My best friend, Enlighten, who was previously a Moderator with me during both of my times as a Member of Staff, had left around the same time I resigned for college. So I called him up and I was like, "I have been really wanting to reapply again, but I would not do so without you." At this time, David was also having some of his issues, but like I have always been, I was there to support him, motivate him to reapply, and so we did, together. You see, he and I go a long ways back. We were waiting buddies together, we got Moderator for the first time together, we got demoted together, we got VIP together, he applied and got Moderator again, while I got it a few months after he did, we were Moderators together again, we resigned together, we left the community together, we came back to the community together, we applied for Moderator for a third time together, we were waiting buddies together, we got Moderator together, and we became Mod Buddies together. You see, he and I will be together forever. Our friendship is so strong and I am so very grateful for that.
In the beginning of our third time as a Moderator, so just last month, we grew extremely close to Cueue | David, but we were a bit sceptical about him a first. David, being Enlighten, and I's impression of David, being Cueue, was not that great and it was mainly due to the people he associated himself with in the past. The people he used to talk to were not the people we would really find ourselves to be able to connect with and he gave off some sort of a mean girl vibe. But as we got to know him, he became the best thing thus far during my third time as a Member of Staff. You see, David, being Enlighten, and I had never really felt like we were part of the Staff Team like we were the first time up until we grew closer to David, being Cueue. During our first couple of weeks, we laughed and laughed for hours one end. This type of laughter was magical too. It was the kind that could cure a broken soul and it was something we had never felt since we used to laugh like that with Chandelle. This relationship between the 3 of us became really important, and it still is to this day.
Then last week came along. At home, on your typical Saturday afternoon, my mother and stepfather began to fight. It resulted in him pushing my mother on to the floor, her falling on her tailbone, and starting to cry through many years of abuse. Although she is my mother, I was kind of happy she had to live through this moment. Something you guys do not know is that they have been together on and off for the last 13 years, and two summers ago, my mother decided to move back in with him. I told her that if she would ever put me into a stressful situation such as this one, emotionally, physically, and mentally, that I would hate her forever. But what did she do, you ask? She disregarded my opinion, my feelings, and did so anyways. After this situation, however, my mother, like she had been debating in the previous months, finally told me that we are going to move out.
During the following week, I started to stress out about school, as I had testing that week, and where I would possibly end up if we did decide to move. With that stress, I failed one of my practical midterm examinations. Although the school allows me to redo 1 practical examination per class per semester, I was still so disappointed in myself. I told myself that I was going to study my brains off and use that redo for my final practical exam if I needed it, as it was going to be one of the biggest and hardest one I would ever need to do. During this time, I felt so down and unmotivated to do anything, as there was so much worry in my life. While doing so, I have been pushing some of the most important people out of my life. Also during this time, I should have been celebrating my one (ten) month anniversary as a Moderator, but I did nothing of the sort. When it comes to something like this, I am always one to be proud of myself for being able to push through another month and being one step closer to my one year as a Member of Staff goal, but it was nothing to be proud of this time around. During my first month, I felt as though I was not able to keep up with my goals as a Moderator. I felt like my activity was really embarrassing and it reflected poorly upon my greatest potential, a potential I know exists, and the ability for me to achieve the goals I had planned out for myself. Even though I noticed it and I am usually one for change, I did nothing to change that feeling, because I was just not emotionally feeling the need or want to do anything productive.
A little off topic from the journal entry, I have also been seeing quite a bit of positivity in the Community Corner recently. I have noticed that people, like reven86 in this post, have been really starting to realize that there is a possibility that the Staff Team is not entirely the cause of all of the negativity within the community. The Staff Team has really come a long way within the last year. We have been taking the community's opinion into deep consideration when it comes to improvements. We released the Official MCGamer Punishment Guide, we created a gamemode that would benefit the clan community in the attempt to reduce the negativity within that particular community, and we event allowed toggle sprint, toggle sneak, UHC Essentials, and gamma on the network. It gets really frustrating that the community does not always see things from our perspective or is not willing to in the slightest. This is also why we encourage you to familiarize yourself with the Members of Staff, to create positive relationships, and even apply at times. I have been in and out and I have had my own set of problems with the Staff Team on countless occasions, but the end of the day, I strongly believe in the Staff Team. We really do care and we are always trying to make it a better place, but we cannot do so without people who are willing to change their perspective, and open up to the ideas of change and innovation within the community. With all the negativity we hear from the community sometimes, we do feel like our work is not appreciated and that makes it hard for us to feel like we are able to make a change. In order to make a change, however, we all need to come together and be supportive of one another. If we all come together to support the network we love, or once loved, I truly believe that we can crawl out of the rut we have been stuck in for so long. In more simple terms, I am very thankful to see that there are some people that are becoming more and more open to changing their perspective a little so that they can view it from a more positive outlook. As ironic as this is, positivity and determination is what makes everything in life so strong. The more we come together and the more support we have as a group, the more we can achieve and accomplish the impossible.
Anyways, with that being said, I definitely feel a little better. I think these journals will become more and more frequent as it really allows me to critically analyze my thoughts and open up to you guys on a more personal level. I am always trying to keep it real with you guys as I feel like this is what creates the positive relationships the network needs and I genuinely enjoy your company.
Lots of love,
Equalitee | Christopher.
Within the last two weeks, I have not really been feeling myself. I feel as though everything is a mess, and I am confused on what to do next. Much like I have in the past, I find writing about it and expressing my feelings to be extremely beneficial, so here it goes I guess.
For those of you that do not know already, I re-joined the Staff Team on January 21. I was so delighted to be back and I had many goals in mind that I wanted to accomplish. A few of them were to create an event, to achieve 1 year as a Member of Staff, to reach 1000 bans, and to become more involved within the Staff Team in the form of the Mod Buddy Program.
What is it about this time as a Member of Staff that is so different than my previous times, you ask? Well, you see, my first time as a Member of Staff was the best of the best, as it should be. It was my first time becoming part of something so influential within the community and it was a way for me to give back to MCGamer. Within a couple of months, however, my journey ended during the month of September.
About 6 months later, I re-joined the Staff Team. The events from September up until this point had really brought a lot of negativity into my life, and I feel as though returning to the Staff Team was the wrong decision. Although I did prove to the Administration that I was worthy of being re-accepted into the Staff Team, I felt like I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was not one to accept full responsibility for my actions, and I felt like I had to return to prove to them that they were wrong for what they did to me. My message never really got through to them. During this time, I felt alone and I used a lot of my negativity to throw pain at those who wronged me in hopes to gain attention. Then I resigned 6 months later as I felt like I was wasting my time and college was going to be my new distraction.
During my first week of college, I thought to myself, "is nursing really what I want to do?" You see, I have been struggling with the unknown a lot. I have always had this deep feeling inside that I am supposed to do something extremely influential in the world or something that is going to create endless amounts of happiness for myself, but I do not quite know what it is or when it is going to happen. Some days I felt like it was the YouTube channel I always wanted to create, the nurse I was going to become, the dancer or flight attendant that I always wanted to be, or the organization that I wanted to start for the less fortunate so that they could follow their dreams, as I was not fortunate enough to do so myself when I was growing up. Whether it is any of these, like I said, I do not know where to begin.
The following couple of weeks, I went through my studies, got some pretty constructive criticism, and it really boosted my self-confidence in wanting to become a nurse.
For the following 3 months, I continued to go through my studies.
Since college started, I have also been struggling with the idea to transition. I have always told myself that I feel like a woman trapped inside a man's body. There are days where if there was a decent amount of wind, the wind would blow through my hair and it would send chills down my spine. There are days where even though I did not have long hair, depending on the way I would walk, it felt like I did and I would imagine myself pushing my hands through it. There are days when these pair of Toms that I wear would sound like I am wearing heals and I would strut through the school with so much confidence, only to realize I was not actually wearing heals. Looking back to when I was younger, I would always pick the female character in any video games I would play. I used to play this game called YoVille, which was pretty similar to Sims, and it allowed me to interact with actual people and to dress my character in clothes that I liked. It turned out that I would always dress my character in women's clothes and I was okay with that. Which brings me to my next topic. I find myself looking at women's clothes when I walk through the mall all the time, and I tell myself, "That is cute! I would wear that." But then there are days where I feel extremely confident in the body that I am now, so you can see where the confusion comes in.
So let us go back to the end of my first semester in college. Around that time, it was Christmas! During the Christmas break, I found that I had lots of time to come on TeamSpeak and talk to the friends I had not spoken to in a while. This was extremely important to me because I feel like I had time to really focus on myself and really remove that negativity that I was feeling back when I was a Member of Staff for the second time. During the 3 weeks of Christmas break that I had, I found myself to be on a reporting rampage. By the end of the Christmas break, I had reported approximately 150 people and I was shocked. Then I started to think that I should reapply, and so I finally came to the conclusion that I was. There was a catch, however. My best friend, Enlighten, who was previously a Moderator with me during both of my times as a Member of Staff, had left around the same time I resigned for college. So I called him up and I was like, "I have been really wanting to reapply again, but I would not do so without you." At this time, David was also having some of his issues, but like I have always been, I was there to support him, motivate him to reapply, and so we did, together. You see, he and I go a long ways back. We were waiting buddies together, we got Moderator for the first time together, we got demoted together, we got VIP together, he applied and got Moderator again, while I got it a few months after he did, we were Moderators together again, we resigned together, we left the community together, we came back to the community together, we applied for Moderator for a third time together, we were waiting buddies together, we got Moderator together, and we became Mod Buddies together. You see, he and I will be together forever. Our friendship is so strong and I am so very grateful for that.
In the beginning of our third time as a Moderator, so just last month, we grew extremely close to Cueue | David, but we were a bit sceptical about him a first. David, being Enlighten, and I's impression of David, being Cueue, was not that great and it was mainly due to the people he associated himself with in the past. The people he used to talk to were not the people we would really find ourselves to be able to connect with and he gave off some sort of a mean girl vibe. But as we got to know him, he became the best thing thus far during my third time as a Member of Staff. You see, David, being Enlighten, and I had never really felt like we were part of the Staff Team like we were the first time up until we grew closer to David, being Cueue. During our first couple of weeks, we laughed and laughed for hours one end. This type of laughter was magical too. It was the kind that could cure a broken soul and it was something we had never felt since we used to laugh like that with Chandelle. This relationship between the 3 of us became really important, and it still is to this day.
Then last week came along. At home, on your typical Saturday afternoon, my mother and stepfather began to fight. It resulted in him pushing my mother on to the floor, her falling on her tailbone, and starting to cry through many years of abuse. Although she is my mother, I was kind of happy she had to live through this moment. Something you guys do not know is that they have been together on and off for the last 13 years, and two summers ago, my mother decided to move back in with him. I told her that if she would ever put me into a stressful situation such as this one, emotionally, physically, and mentally, that I would hate her forever. But what did she do, you ask? She disregarded my opinion, my feelings, and did so anyways. After this situation, however, my mother, like she had been debating in the previous months, finally told me that we are going to move out.
During the following week, I started to stress out about school, as I had testing that week, and where I would possibly end up if we did decide to move. With that stress, I failed one of my practical midterm examinations. Although the school allows me to redo 1 practical examination per class per semester, I was still so disappointed in myself. I told myself that I was going to study my brains off and use that redo for my final practical exam if I needed it, as it was going to be one of the biggest and hardest one I would ever need to do. During this time, I felt so down and unmotivated to do anything, as there was so much worry in my life. While doing so, I have been pushing some of the most important people out of my life. Also during this time, I should have been celebrating my one (ten) month anniversary as a Moderator, but I did nothing of the sort. When it comes to something like this, I am always one to be proud of myself for being able to push through another month and being one step closer to my one year as a Member of Staff goal, but it was nothing to be proud of this time around. During my first month, I felt as though I was not able to keep up with my goals as a Moderator. I felt like my activity was really embarrassing and it reflected poorly upon my greatest potential, a potential I know exists, and the ability for me to achieve the goals I had planned out for myself. Even though I noticed it and I am usually one for change, I did nothing to change that feeling, because I was just not emotionally feeling the need or want to do anything productive.
A little off topic from the journal entry, I have also been seeing quite a bit of positivity in the Community Corner recently. I have noticed that people, like reven86 in this post, have been really starting to realize that there is a possibility that the Staff Team is not entirely the cause of all of the negativity within the community. The Staff Team has really come a long way within the last year. We have been taking the community's opinion into deep consideration when it comes to improvements. We released the Official MCGamer Punishment Guide, we created a gamemode that would benefit the clan community in the attempt to reduce the negativity within that particular community, and we event allowed toggle sprint, toggle sneak, UHC Essentials, and gamma on the network. It gets really frustrating that the community does not always see things from our perspective or is not willing to in the slightest. This is also why we encourage you to familiarize yourself with the Members of Staff, to create positive relationships, and even apply at times. I have been in and out and I have had my own set of problems with the Staff Team on countless occasions, but the end of the day, I strongly believe in the Staff Team. We really do care and we are always trying to make it a better place, but we cannot do so without people who are willing to change their perspective, and open up to the ideas of change and innovation within the community. With all the negativity we hear from the community sometimes, we do feel like our work is not appreciated and that makes it hard for us to feel like we are able to make a change. In order to make a change, however, we all need to come together and be supportive of one another. If we all come together to support the network we love, or once loved, I truly believe that we can crawl out of the rut we have been stuck in for so long. In more simple terms, I am very thankful to see that there are some people that are becoming more and more open to changing their perspective a little so that they can view it from a more positive outlook. As ironic as this is, positivity and determination is what makes everything in life so strong. The more we come together and the more support we have as a group, the more we can achieve and accomplish the impossible.
Anyways, with that being said, I definitely feel a little better. I think these journals will become more and more frequent as it really allows me to critically analyze my thoughts and open up to you guys on a more personal level. I am always trying to keep it real with you guys as I feel like this is what creates the positive relationships the network needs and I genuinely enjoy your company.
Lots of love,
Equalitee | Christopher.
